“Keset”

Mari masuk.. dan injak..yah.. matras di depan pintu masuk itu adalah aku
Yang mengeluh tak terdengar, yang mengaduh terbiar
Kau tau.. kau sangat tau.. itu aku yang di depan pintu
Kau injak dan tak kau perdulikan.
Ah ya.. bagaimana rupaku? Berantakan? Kotor? Tak terurus?
Ah yaa… kau pasti mengatakan sesuatu yang tak mampu kucerna dengan baik
Ah aku ingat kau bilang kau cinta bukan? Kau bilang ingin bersamaku bukan?
Yang tak kusadari , aku hanya matras di depan pintu rumahmu, kotor berdebu, kelam dan beku,
Panas dan hujan, badai dan terang, aku tetap disana.
Ah kau kejam sekali..
Bukan…bukan karena kau membuatku membencimu
Tapi kau membuatku membenci diriku .

Salam…
“matras di depan pintu rumahmu – keset”

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Have u ever stand alone?

It is hard to imagine if i am being with someone that doesnt like Rod Stewart who sing “I’m in the mood for love”. Maybe i was drinking at the day i said Yes to him. Because i could falling in love with his voice and this song over and over again. It is simple. It is thrill. When i need my goosebump rise, just remember this song.

There is a reason why i am listening this song in mid day. I was heat up. tied up. have u ever feel that way? even walk in labirin still better rather than no place to go. This is what i felt. Have u ever feel that throwing up is only your choice just because you can’t hide and run. This is what i felt. My hands, my steps, it was bounded by an unseen chain called “personnels matters”.

In the other words, I have to be ready, i have to wake up every morning, i cant be sick, i cant enjoying my leave either. There will always a call, an sms, an email to get response immediately. Who am i? Is that too much? It is… i am not even a smart intelligent boss yet. I am just worker. Worker oh worker….

Until today, my head is already blown up. in this Ramadhan, hurm… it just because Ramadhan, i cant be so blow up about everything. What do you think about escape? Irresponsibility? Ah…man.. i just dont care. I just dont care. This time is enough. I will lay down my ego. I will lay down my suit in the name of perfection. I will lay down everything and think. And decide….

Did u ever feel like mine? Stand on in the middle of ice break? Freezin and alone. Danger and harmful. Did u?

PS : i am so tired…

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Dream.

Hurm… what am i going to do.. if only a dream come true. Or maybe a dream appears in front of me. Heiii dont be to exciting, remember who you are.

Do u believe at this statement?

“the world surround you will come and help you if you’re keep thinking and doing exactly what you believe?”

Do u believe?

I do..

I did..

And i will..

Dont ask me about what i pray cause it was plenty. But asked me about what i achieve and how it happened. I will explain like a river flows.

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Chit chat… grumble…blank…

My head was in tropical headache. Why? Sometimes it is rainy, sometimes it is cloudy, sometimes it is summer in the middle of rainy day. What a confuse and great day to face. And still though i think it is worth for me to going through. i remembered my conversation with ED last night. We talked about AR who just falling in love without constantly notice to his heart. And now suddenly that feeling has taken away by his gf and the situation become a crowded market. So busy. So crowd. So confuse. Lost in a track. He wants to get a suicide. Wahahahah…

Sorry bro, i didnt want to laugh at this moment actually. Especially when you got your heart broken. When you starting to send me an unmeaning statement in sms. And i have to admit it. It is pleasure for me to take u out from this situation or maybe swim together with u facing this. But again, life is so damn beutiful to leave it without any reason. Hurm… the bottom line is… my bro and my sis, all of you got my houlder to cry on. It was pleasure….

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Mimpi buruk…

Walaupun mimpinya sama. Tapi malam ini seperti kegiatan yang rutin. Dan aku sama sekali tidak suka. Malam ini aku terbangun dalam diam. Mendapati aku akan bertahan tak perduli seberapa keras aku akan terhempas lagi. Bagaikan terbang seelegan elang. Mimpi buruk hanyalah pelengkap tidur. Segera aku balik bantal dan kembali tidur sampai dengan pagi. Mimpi tadi malam bukanlah apa-apa dibandingkan ceritaku sendiri. Mimpi buruk tadi malam, levelnya masih sangat mini dibandingkan dengan ceritaku sendiri. Sudahlah… mimpi buruk pergi sana. Apa tak bosan mendatangiku setiap malam. Apa tidak bosan mendapati ku tak lagi bereaksi. Apa tidak bosan? Karena aku saja sudah bosan didatangi terus menerus.

Malam ini tolong biarkan aku bermimpi yang lain. Biarkan aku tidur dalam kekosongan. Biarkan saja. Karena mimpiku hanya milik tubuh ini. Bukan lagi untuk dibagi, berbagi atau apapun itu namanya. Malam ini biarkan aku dan seonggok bantal pengantar tidur berduaan. Kami tak perlu didatangi lagi. Maaf tempatnya sudah penuh.

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Aku pikir : “ Selamat tinggal”


Mengapa masih saja sebaris kalimat ini susah untuk keluar dari bibirku. Selamat tinggal. Selamat tinggal kamu. Selamat tinggal kenanganmu. Selamat tinggal mimpi-mimpi. Selamat tinggal doa-doa sebelum ku tidur. Dan selamat tingal baris-baris hari yang membingungkan. Selamat tinggal semua. Seharusnya gampang. Seharusnya tiada masalah . seharusnya aku tinggal balikkan muka dan tinggalkan semua. Gampang. Tetapi… pada kenyataannya. Sampai di musim ini. Mengapa aku lebih suka menitipkan pesan, post it kecil di dalam hatimu, PS : I Love u.

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Biarkan aku menikah dengan khayalanku

Aku sudah bosan. Itu yang selalu terbayang di pagi hari ku. Setiap kali aku membuka mata dan langsung tergesa-gesa mencari kacamataku. Setelahnya seringnya aku terdiam. Dan menatap langit-langit kamarku. Karena aku seringnya bosan dengan mimpi tadi malam. Karena aku seringnya tidur di siang hari. Dan bermimpi di malam hari. Karena aku hanya perempuan dengan kemampuan menghentak bumi di tempat. Hurm.. aku tidak bergeming. Tidak ke depan tidak juga kebelakang. Tidak groovy ke kanan dan tidak ke kiri. Cuma sekedar perempuan penggores dinding dengan teori-teori hidup . Cuma teori. Cuma menulis. Cuma bicara. Hanya dan Cuma. Dan hanya sebesar itulah aku.

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